Toss Out a Lifeline

Suicide prevention.

I came across a blog post that said October was National Suicide Prevention Month, then another one that said it was September.  I didn’t do a lot of research on the subject, because every day should be National Suicide Prevention Day.

I’m a suicide survivor.  Four years ago, I died… but my timing was off and I became a successful recipient of CPR.  It’s long ugly story that I’ve chronicled on another anonymous blog.  Maybe some day I’ll feel secure enough to share it, out in the open, I don’t know.

I’ve gone through periods of depression since the suicide, it’s part of my DNA now and I never responded favorably to medications, so I deal with it.

The thing that I’d like others to take away from my suicide is to PAY ATTENTION.  Pay attention to the people that you love.  If they are becoming withdrawn, if their appearance is changing and not for the better, if they seem to have no joy, if they are struggling with chronic headaches or GI issues, if something JUST DOESN’T SEEM RIGHT.

TALK TO THEM.  LET THEM KNOW YOU CARE.

Don’t just watch them circle the drain.  Don’t say “I’ll call her tomorrow”.  Don’t think “Everyone has blue days”.

If someone is serious about suicide, they will not reach out, they can’t, their mind is filled every single day with the thoughts that they should die.  I’m sure that it crosses everyone’s mind at some point; I believe that’s part of being human.  But for the suicidal, it’s an all consuming thought, permeating everything that they think and do.

I do remember, at one point, my thoughts frightened me, so I called a psychiatrist to make an appointment, I had to leave a voice mail and no one ever called me back.  In my mind that was some sort of a sick sign that I heeded.  Do I blame them for not calling me back? No, but they really should be more diligent.

I won’t write a diatribe about how I think mental health is the biggest crisis that our country is facing right now, but I’d like for everyone to think about it…

I still have issues with my own family and the subject of my suicide.  They’d prefer not to talk about it, act like it didn’t happen and they seem resentful when I mention my Rebirthday… it makes it harder to deal with… don’t do that to anyone.

What is the point of this post?

Don’t wait until it’s too late… if you see someone struggling, throw them a lifeline.

Not A Keeper

Not a keeper.

That’s who I am.

I should really be used to it by now.

I’m not.

Want a girl to have a good time with? Want a girl who can hold her own at the bar? Want a girl that isn’t afraid to do something totally crazy?  Want a girl to have a few weeks of crazy sex with??

I’m the girl for all of that.

Want a girl to be your girlfriend?  Want a girl to take home and meet your mother?

I’m apparently not the girl for that.

I hope you’ll forgive me for all of the whining I’m doing here… I do have friends, believe it or not.

But, I’m a suicide survivor, and they get all freaked when they think I’m down.  I don’t want to freak them out.

I need to vent.

“You’re not picking the right guys” is what I hear.   How in the fuck do you know who is the right guy?  Where in the fuck is he hiding?  Is it just not in the cards for me?

I hate all of these feelings of inadequacy… not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not successful enough… where does it end?  When will I ever feel good enough?

I don’t see it happening any time soon….

But, hey, I’m not lying in the bathtub with a blade to my wrists, so I’m not doing too bad.