I’m Charging Your HMO

Why are my feelings hurt because I feel rejected by someone that I didn’t even want in the first place??

How fucked up is that?

I met the doctor the other day, we went for a walk in the park, I took photos and he basically told me his entire life story… well, minus the part that occurred before middle school.

So the entire time, I’m doing the math in my head.

Cute +1

Employed +1

4 Kids -4

Needs therapy -1

Can’t picture myself doing the boom-boom -10

TOTAL -13

After that meeting I only heard from him one time.  But we had a fun texting relationship prior to meeting.

Once I got back to work today and had time to think about it, I felt that pang of rejection in my tummy… that feeling that I’ll never be good enough, that no one will ever want me, yada yada yada…

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

So, I texted him this morning about something we had discussed and asked if he didn’t want me to contact him again.  He says he does want to but he didn’t know how to “approach” it.

I responded with “I could tell there wasn’t any chemistry; I know that I’m not for everyone.”

He told me that I was cute, funny but that he was looking to feel a “tingle”.  So he obviously couldn’t picture himself doing the boom-boom with me. For the record, I’m damn good at the boom-boom!

Do I want to be wanted just for the sake of being wanted??  What kind of mental disorder is that?  I’m not a narcissist or an egomaniac; I’m actually pretty damn self-deprecating.

I met one other guy at a coffee shop during my days off… who also told me his entire life story, including, but not limited to, his totally insane ex.

Fuck me.

I stayed longer than I wanted to, only because he drove 90 minutes to see me, even after I tried really hard to discourage him.

Before I left, I took his hand in mine and said “Let me give you a little advice, the next time you meet a girl, do not tell her all about your ex in the first hour, ease her into it, if you must.  It’s really overwhelming.”

Then I departed, but not before finding a Nazi knife in the coffee shop parking lot.

I told a friend that I felt like a therapist and I was going to start charging their insurance for the visits.  This friend is a friend that I spoon with on occasion.  He said “Did you tell them you already have a client in Fairfield?”

That’s me, therapist to every man that doesn’t want me…

I actually have come up with the term that describes one off the afflictions that I’m saddled with… PTDS.  You might say “Don’t you mean PTSD?”

NO, it’s PTDS, post traumatic dating syndrome… it’s a thing.

Abhorrent Attraction

I told you recently that I had rejoined the online dating world. At this point, I am not completely sure why.  I am chatting with a couple of guys, one seems WAY TOO EAGER to meet me, I’m not sure how to deal with this.  Am I just what he’s been looking for? OR… is he fucking crazy?  It’s impossible to know until you’ve met.  Am I going to meet him?  I’m not sure yet.

Last night, I get this message:

 Grandpa Sid wants me to sit on his lap…Shivers…

One of my friends (you know who you are) got WAAAAYYYY too much enjoyment out of this.

If you look closely at the photo, Grandpa Sid appears to have a hard-on… I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

I also get this totally romantic message, from a child:

 I will never understand this methodology, maybe I’m just a prude??

Apparently my phone is feeling my pain, understanding my desire to get laid.  When updating my Facebook status using talk-to-text it mis-interpreted “bracken county”. Glad I checked it before I posted, my family would have really been impressed!!!

If I’m going to be honest, I am perpetually in “fucking horny”, no trip necessary!!

AND lastly, yesterday I went on a Scott Kelby Worldwide Photo Walk.  There was not one single guy in the group… Traditional dating, my fucking ass… I can NEVER meet anyone.

Anyway, here’s a post from the walk…http://reflectionsuponmyreality2.wordpress.com/2013/10/06/100-strangers-project-continued/

Mirror, Mirror…

“You are extremely sexy- it’s your superpower – use it for good.”

This from a man that I had a fling with about a year ago, a sexy older man… who was going through a divorce… we were so not in the same place.  But, it was ok; it was really what we both needed at the time, neither of us had any delusions that it was more than it was.

He reached out to me after reading some of my stuff…

Wouldn’t it be nice to see yourself through the eyes of someone else??  Obviously, not someone that hates you or thinks that you’re a fuckweasel, but someone who thinks good things about you.

I’d like to look in the mirror and not see ugly and lame… I’d love to see the funny, artsy chick that some people think I am… I’d love to see sexy or, just for a minute, beautiful.

Who are the people that can see themselves for what they truly are?  Do these people even exist (that aren’t raging narcissists)?

I tried for a while, to enumerate some things that I didn’t think were bad about myself, tell myself every morning that I’m good enough, that I’m worthy…

It was an exercise in futility.

I’m thinking about getting hypnotized…  it’s worth a shot, right?????

I fear that if I used sexiness as a superpower, I’d just destroy cities and shit… I mean, how could I resist???

Cyber-Slap Me

Well, tonight I meet Facebook Guy (FG) I’m excited, but I’m not getting my hopes up, because I REFUSE to ever do that again… so if you notice that I’m getting my hopes up, give me a cyber-slap to the back of the head… PLEASE.

Last night during our non-stop textathon that has lasted 2 days, FG told me that he was poor.  He doesn’t have cable (no biggie, there’s never anything on it anyway) or a sofa.

Since I have a friend in the cyber-world that also doesn’t have a sofa, I hesitate to make any judgment regarding this.

Do I expect a man to take care of me? NO.  I’m a big girl; I can take care of myself.

Would I like a man to, EVENTUALLY, split bills with? HELL YES.

I once went out with a well-to-do older guy who said “I’d like to take care of you”.  It totally freaked me out and I went running for the hills.

Yea, I know, I have issues.  Speaking of issues, Boom and I were discussing the joys of not working last week, and I said that it was impossible for me not to work, being single and all.  He said unless I had a disability or something.

I said “Well I do have issues.”

He laughed and said “Uuuummm, I know, remember, we’ve met.”  HAHA

And the way we met only reinforces the severity of my issues.

 

Two years ago, I moved to my current city, at the same time I was getting sick with my autoimmune disease and I started dating this guy with the best smile I’ve ever seen in my ENTIRE life.  At the time I was in to bicycling, he was too, we got along really well.

Then I got sicker.

And I do what I do, I faded out.

We continued to stay in touch.  I once suggested that we try to date again but he admitted that he was “once bit, twice shy” and I really can’t blame him.  So I took it on the chin and we’ve remained friends.

He works a ridiculously fucked up swing-shift kinda schedule, which he says is making him hesitate to even get in a relationship.

So last night, we were texting, like we do almost every night and he says “Nothing easy in my life” (semi in jest) and I say “I’m the girl that you won’t date, you don’t have to tell me”.  He responds with “Ouch… a shot fired”. I apologized, it was late and I haven’t slept in days.

Then he says “It’s ok, you can speak what’s on your mind.  Perhaps we should have drinks and talk more about this.”  I said that I’d like that.  And I really would.

Is he softening? I don’t know.

Would I pick back up with him? Yes, in a heartbeat.

I realize that I fucked it up with him, I was sick and didn’t know how things were going to go, I didn’t want to drag anyone down with me… in retrospect, I know that I should have let him make that decision… but I thought I was doing what was best.  And really, what the fuck do I know anyway???

Tomorrow I’m going to a Reds game with my family and a BFF… 2 family weekends in a row… so bizarre!!!

OH AND… I have my first wedding scheduled for May, 2014!!

Have a great weekend peeps and fellow crazy girls!!!!

Existential Crisis…CHECK!

How am I dealing with my recent existential crisis you might ask…

 

Well, last night I colored my hair… DARK. 

I told a friend that I want to feel like someone different, like someone less awkward and less maladjusted.  We shall see how this works out; everyone knows that hair makes the woman right?

 

And… I’ve accepted two dates, that I may not back out on.  One with an Irish guy (I have a little weakness for them) and another with a lead singer in a band… and there is still BD.

 

Maybe I’ll make a giant check-list… I am a lover of lists although I’ve never implemented one in my dating life… which is pretty odd if I do say so myself.

 

That will be my next endeavor, Check List to Date Trip.

Any suggestions???

 

Have Some Self Respect Woman…

Ok, I decided I am NOT having drinks with the ex.. that would only go one of two ways, neither of which would be good.

But, I did reactivate my OkCupid profile… I need some attention.  I’ve gotten about 10 messages in 2 hours.  Who knows if I’ll ever meet any of them, but I am not completely ruling it out.

I’ll probably start freaking out by tomorrow and deactivate my account again, but maybe not, I should suck it up until I meet THE ONE… right?? hahaha, yea right…

Maybe something will work out… the guy that wants to “try” and give me what I need, he just started a new job but suggested we go out this weekend… he will be known as BD from here on out.

I’m not ruling out BD, he’s adorable and we had some chemistry and he never did anything that made me think he’s a total fuckweasel.

Maybe OKC will bring Mr.Right to my email box, and maybe I won’t be too pessimistic to realize that it’s him…

It could totally happen, right?

If nothing else, maybe I’ll get some interesting stories.  I have decided that if things don’t turn around this week, I’m going to say yes to every date I’m asked on for the next month.  That should not be a total fucking disaster at all.

Runaway Relationships

Relationships…

 

I want one.

 

I don’t want one.

 

I’m ready to jump in.

 

I’m scared to fucking death.

 

It’s like everyone is always playing hot potato with relationships…

 

“Come on throw it to me!”

 

“Ouch, fuck, here you take it back!”

 

I really think that I’m in the place now to accept a relationship if it is presented to me.

I am craving some comfort, some dependability and some intimacy on the regular.  Is that too much for a girl to ask for?

 

Those are things that I’ve NEVER really had.  In my one LTR I didn’t have comfort or dependability.  I never knew from day to day what things were going to be like; it was like perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

I think that situation has made me gun shy.

 

“And you can’t run the minute something doesn’t go right” said M as we discussed a current romantical prospect for me.

 

Intellectually, I know and understand this.  No one wants to be the runaway girlfriend.  But I take every hiccup and bump in the road to be a sign of worse things to come.  Again, I know this doesn’t have to automatically be the case. 

 

Working through the hiccups makes relationships stronger, right?

 

Anyway, I’m ready…

TrippyBeth is opening herself up to the universe.

 

There has to be one good guy out there:

 

who thinks that my quirks are endearing

who tolerates my obsessions

who loves my backrubs

who enjoys a neck nuzzle

who will wake me when I hit the snooze too many times

who will call me for no reason

who will traipse around in the cold with me to take photos

who will take road trips

who will want to do various family things

who will bring me tea when I’m sick

who will have a hearty appetite when I’m cooking

who will lay their head in my lap when we watch TV

 

That’s the short list.

 

Now, for a short rant on dating sites.

 

Well it’s not the sites in particular that I have an issue with or men in general.  It’s just SOME men, and these men COULD be perfectly good guys… but what I take issue with is the screen names that the select.  I’m not sure if they think that the names are sexy and enticing or that they really are pervy.

 

Last night I get a notice that “Lickyyou” wants to meet me.

Really dude? THAT’S the name you choose?

 

It seems like all of the pervy screen names are various combinations of “lick”  and “69”. 

 

Kudos for originality guys…

Improving Karma

Yesterday I get a text message from a number that was unknown to me asking “Is this B?”

I hesitate to answer.  But after a little while, I reply “Yes”.

Before I continue, let me give you the backstory.

Last fall (I think) I went to dinner with a guy, he was nice, we talked, I enjoyed dinner, but kinda knew he wasn’t for me.

However, we remained Facebook friends and would text from time to time.  There may have even been few drunken text messages exchanged on a couple of occasions.  He had invited me out for drinks several times, I never made it out.

I should also make this clear, we never even kissed, not once.

Ok, so fast forward to a couple of months ago.

I get this really nasty email on Facebook, from his GIRLFRIEND, who I didn’t even know existed.  I don’t remember everything the email said except for this statement “Your very existence offends me.”  And there was something about “she better not see me out anywhere.”  The last statement made me feel a little threatened.

So, I deleted the message, blocked both of them and moved on.

Back to yesterday’s text.

She replied saying that she was his GF  and she said “I think he lied to me about you and if so, I want to apologize.  I think he lied to me a lot about it all.  I’m sorry.”

I was floored, a gracious apology is not something that I’m accustomed to receiving.

She went on to tell me the things that he had said about me, which were 90% untrue.  That I was all jealous and kept hitting on him and dating his friends etc etc… so I can see how she formed her opinion of me.

I told her that I had been tempted to tell her about the relationship that he and I had (which really wasn’t a relationship at all) but, I  thought better of it, I wasn’t defending myself to someone I didn’t know for something I didn’t do.

I accepted her apology.

She asked “Did he, in fact, cheat on me?”

My reply “Not with me he didn’t.”

I told her that I am not the girl to go after a “taken” man or, especially, a man that didn’t want me!

We continued to chat a little bit, weird I know…  she mentioned that we were both photographers, we both write and we both have red hair… maybe that’s really the weird part?

Anyway, I don’t believe that he is beyond redemption (he probably would be if he was MY guy, but he’s not) I suggested that they talk about things and try to move on from it.

But, hey, what in the fuck do I know?????

I’m Good…NO, Seriously, I’m GOOD

I wore lipstick this morning in an attempt not to look so hideous, because, trust me, I am hideous.  Everyone commented on how “cute” I looked when I walked in the office this morning.

Bizarre.

MUST. BUY. MORE. LIPSTICK.

That has to be it; I frightened myself when I looked in the mirror this morning.

I have a question for the entire male population out there…

WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE SUBMISSIVE MEN OUT THERE??

I get A LOT of messages from these guys offering to do “anything I want”.  I am not a dominant type of girl AT ALL.  And, I promise you, there are no photos on my profile of me in leather with a whip, offering up a ball gag to whoever wants to be a good boy. 

I want a MAN THAT IS A MAN, that acts like a MAN.  I prefer manly, dominant men.  But, hey, that’s just me… I’m sure there are girls out there that are more than happy to tie a dude up and offer a little torture for shits and giggles.

But, that girl is not me fellas, sorry.

And while I’m bitching… what’s up with the MARRIED GUYS?

Am I going to have to add a disclaimer to my profile “NOT INTERESTED IN MARRIED GUYS”??

They’re all looking for a little fun “on the down low”.  Occasionally, they are in “OPEN” relationships, which I am very suspicious of.

When I decline their very generous offers, I get “well, don’t you want to have a little fun until you find a man”??

Uuuuummmm, no thanks dude, I’m good.

Scratch and Dent

I realized this morning, that I bitch a lot on this blog. I don’t really think that I’m a chronic complainer kinda person. In real life, I like to let things sort of roll off my back, when I can. This blog, is just a tiny fraction of my life though, everyone deserves to be able to bitch a few minutes a day, right?

Anyway…

I got an email from this guy (thanks to JG for pointing out the similarities)

I thought about including the screen capture, but I’ll let your imagination do the work.  It’s a photo of a middle-aged guy sitting in a lawn chair, unbuttoned shirt, protruding tummy, with a beer in hand.  The photo is captioned, simply “beer”.

Now, please, do not think that I expect men to jump straight from the pages of GQ into my arms, I don’t, I’m pragmatic if nothing else.  Honestly, I wouldn’t even want one of those guys at this point in my life.

I want personality! Quirk!  Not someone overly obsessed with a perfect line of facial hair or eyebrows more perfectly groomed than my own.

But, isn’t online dating about 75% presentation?

BAIT, people, that’s what it’s all about!

Granted, we can only work with the bait that we’ve been given.  This is my problem.  You can’t turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse.

However, I do not post photos of myself taken first thing in the morning, or photos taken from a weird angle that makes me look like Jabba The Hut.  I am trying to sell myself, for crap’s sake.

I mean if you have a perfect, pristine can of green beans, and a dented, smashed in can, side by side on the grocery shelf.  Both are the same price, which one are you taking home?

I am trying really hard not to be the dented can.