You’re Killing Me OKC…

OKC… why is this happening???

Shouldn’t he just have said “I hate your ink, but I still think you’re fuckable”?

Is it wrong that I’m not flattered or ready to jump in the sack with him??

So I reply with “SO… you hate my ink, but think I’m fuckable?”

And I get this…

I’m so out I should be in Siberia…

You Gotta Read This…

I spent a weekend with only my own company and that of a texting friend (you know who you are) and it wasn’t awful.  I had the camera out and I enjoyed my own company… it’s a fucking good thing that I enjoy it, it seems that not many others do.

I got a few decent photos, so it was worthwhile.

I got creeped on in the ghetto Kroger, I guess I’ll stop going there.

“Hey girl, your tattoos look good… is your man here?”

To which I replied “Thank you, he’s in the car.”

Gotta hand it to the guy, there was no shame in his game.  That never happens in the suburban Kroger.

Anyway, when going through some of my files, I have TONS of files, I came across this copy of a message that I had gotten on the dating site a couple of months ago.

It was interesting, and he OBVIOUSLY read my profile (which we all know is unusual), even though he thought that there was a chance that I’m a fatty, he was still willing to give me a pass on it.

I actually did chat with him for a while, but I really felt no attraction for him at all.  He did seem genuine about the whole dream thing, and if he wasn’t, it was pretty clever.

Wow! Did youwrite that for me becuase it has me all over it! And I have never said that on this site which is the only site I’m on.

Normally I wouldn’t ramble on but you gotta read this!

My freinds and fam would say I’m anything but normal (although I have become somewhat normalized through the years – maybe you could help me get back to being my quirky self again :).

Skinny, blond, and tan seem to also be dizzy and stuck on themselves – been there done that – good luck to them ha ha.

I love tats,just not on me. My dtr has a couple. I used to rock the bar quite often, not so much anymore. Been there done that too (and still do on occasion. When I do it’s local dives “where everybody knows your name”.

Absolutely love adventure, specially nature, locally, and with the right companion, mountains, beaches, architectural wonders and landmarks, you bring the camera, just sayin.

Defiinetly believe in the paranormal, went to a couple seyonces (I know the spelling is wrong ha ha) when I was younger.

I love a wide variety of music, favs are classic rock, blues, and old country, you can throw in a couple raps also ( goina rob a jewelry store and tell em make me a grill). Have you seen Sonny Morman here locally, best local blues rock musician.

I want, I need a fun, smart adventurous girl. For God sakes I miss intelligent conversation ha ha.

I adore country gals!

SRV forever!

Your a Leo, I’m a Leo, awesome! You’re probably opinionated and not afraid to speak your mind. Great! Except in one respect –  I definitely want a girl that likes me being the dominant btw…
I’ll lead the way to beautiful scenery and you take the pics, or redirect me if you feel the need :).

I love my 1000 thead count sheets :).

Always sing to the radio – lookout ha ha. Even karoke from time to time (double lookout LMAO).

Now for the really weird sh**. I had a dream and woke up from it and checked my POF. The dream was about a girl that looked like you. No Sh**. Didn’t look like anyu girl I know or have seen recently, until you came up in my searches. I’m not bs’ing you!

I woke up at 4:30, and checked POF which I never do, at least not at 4:30 in the frikin morning! There you were!

Which is why I had to send this too you.

It has now been over an hour since I started writing you and I gotta get ready to go to a meeting. I’m in Worcester, MA now and after the meeting have to drive to Conneticut and take the Ferry over to Long Island for another meeting. The last thing I needed to be doing was getting on POF. But, if you get this, and I mean get it, then it was worth it.

Ok, there are a couple differences, which to me is cool, not a zombie fan and I do believe in God. I’m mnot necessarily attracted to heavy women, your pics are confusing on that subject. I’m definitely attracted to you! My pics aren’t that great, specially the one with my face shoved up against the camera. Guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve dated younger than you and have never had any complaints, except that maybe I’m a little “trippy” :). I’m not exactly in or outa shape. Right now maybe more so outa than in but I always change that when it happens. Not looking for perfect, just something real and right for me and you.

And oh yeah, by the way, I know I’m older than you but that’s only a number. I love life and I’m full of it, so let’s see where this adventure takes us!

Call me, or text me, if you want give me your number and I’ll reach you. 513-xxx-xxxx.

Just a girl and her camera…

Yes, I’m a Snob…

I’ve been called a Beer Snob and a Music Snob in the last couple of weeks.  I am not offended, it’s true, I am what I am.  I do not think that either of these monikers affect my ability to find a suitable mate, or even an unsuitable one for that matter.

I carry these titles with a little bit of pride, however, I do not brag, it’s not my style.

But, what is hindering me from finding an unsuitable mate, is the fact that I’m a little bit of a grammar snob.

Come on, I know I’m not alone.  I see enough eCards bitching about their, there and they’re to know that it’s a weeding out process that MANY of us implement.

I don’t AUTOMATICALLY judge based on a silly spelling error, everyone does it.  Poor spelling isn’t necessarily an indication of a low IQ, so I’ve heard.  I mean, I WAY overuse the ellipses.  My editor was always happy to point that out, but I’m stubborn and I love the ellipses.  “We don’t need to know when the writer pauses to think” he would say.  I think that you do.

I do have to say that a lack of the ability to use spell-check does indicate either lack of intelligence, lack of seriousness, lack of a give-a-fuck or an “I’m above trying” attitude.  None of that inability draws me.  Call me a snob.

Here is the messaging that inspired this post:

Dating site email:

Do you have a lot in common which is cool I was going get a tattoo down below that said noddy by nature lol do you like your tattoos very sexy reading your profile seems like you had a great personality an funny love that

My reply:
Lol well if you decide to get that tattoo, I’d spell it NAUGHTY or people will assume you can’t hold your head up… And if it’s downstairs, they will doubt your ability to obtain an erection… Just a word to the wise.
Thanks for the compliments btw…

His reply:
Oh my god that is too funny I don’t think they would care what it said lol if the horse was playing lol I think they would just want to saddle up in ride

Draw your own conclusions…

Come on folks, learn to spell!!!

The Not-So-Mysterious Case of the Faux Foreskin

Once upon a time, I had a great first date.
I thought that this great first date would turn into a great second date… I could not have been more wrong.

The guy was about my age, tall, handsome, employed. He seemed normal.
We met at a local restaurant for drinks and appetizers that turned into dinner. We talked and laughed. It was good. At the end of the date he asked if he could see me again the next night, I excitedly agreed.

I drove home that night thinking that the online dating thing could really be working out, finally.

We met the next evening at another restaurant, ordered drinks and appetizers and I expected everything to be as great as the night before, if not better.

The laughing and chatting began as the night before, it seemed very comfortable.

Then, he brought up the topic of circumcision.

I promise you that I had not been talking about penises.

He began to tell me that he felt that he had been wronged by having been circumcised, the decision was made without his consent… I think he was more than a little resentful about the fact.

I laughed nervously and tried to change the subject, I was very uncomfortable… yet, he was undeterred.

He continued to tell me that he had DONE SOME RESEARCH ON THE INTERNET. Those 5 words are some of the most horrifying that you can hear on a second date, when the man sitting across from you is discussing his personal circumcision.

Again, I tried to change the subject. Again, unsuccessfully.

Before my mind decided to retreat into its safe place, this is what he told me…

He had created what I’d like to call a Faux Foreskin. Well, like is probably not the right word… but I digress.

With strategically placed surgical tape and string, one can create a certain amount of traction on the skin of a penis… AND after months of this, the skin stretches, eventually stretching enough to serve as a hat for his little head, maybe a scarf is a better word.

Anyway…

This little conversation detour left me at a complete loss for words, which is something that seldom happens.

I sat there silently, munching on nachos, wondering how someone who had, just 24 hours prior, seemed so normal and had so much potential, could turn into someone who was penis-obsessed and had HUGE mother issues??

I sucked down my beer and proclaimed that I had to get home; I had an early morning the next day, threw some money down on the table and left…

I know that this may have not been the best way to handle the situation, but I discovered in the span of 10 or 15 minutes that a Faux Foreskin is one of my deal breakers.

Please don’t mistake my aversion to a faux foreskin to mean that I have an aversion to the penis in its natural, uncut state, I do not. It doesn’t bother me at all. I just expect everyone I’m intimate with to practice exceptional hygiene… that is all.

When I recounted this story to my girlfriends, all that they wanted to know was “DID YOU SEE IT?”

I did not, although I think he was priming me, thinking that I was, in fact, going to see it that night.

When I got home that night, I did a little RESEARCH ON THE INTERNET. Apparently, Faux Foreskins are a thing. He isn’t the only one doing it.

Continuing to date only destroys what little hope I had in humanity…

Serial Killers Need Not Apply

If you’ve never done any online dating, I’m sure that it’s hard to imagine the sorts of emails that a person can get.  They run the gamut… from very polite and cordial, to vulgar; to… what I can only describe as serial killer-ish.  The following note is an example:

Now… I’m not sure if his very generous offer was meant sexually or… if he meant with some fava beans and a nice Chianti…

This dude also drives a truck.  I don’t mean to profile due to professions, but everyone knows that truck driving is the preferred career for serial killers.  I mean he even put photos of his truck on his profile!  Should I add some images of operative reports??  Only the ones with rectal foreign bodies would be interesting… everyone wants to read about salt shakers in the ass (even if they won’t admit it!).

I’ll admit that he could be a normal guy that’s appearing all sorts of creepy, but normal guys usually don’t offer to eat me in the introductory email.

JG was lamenting yesterday that things in his life weren’t going as he would like.  I said “At least you’re wanted, and not to sauté in some olive oil.”

I get the impression that the majority of the guys on the dating site that really want me, just want to chain me up in their basement… and possibly make some nipple beanies from my skin.

Or, I could be overreacting, maybe I spend too much time on http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/serial_killers/index.html, maybe my imagination gets the better of me.  But, DAMMIT, if I didn’t get messages like the aforementioned one, I don’t think I’d be thinking like this!

Word to the wise, if you’re a man who is online dating, PLEASE don’t send creepy, weird messages to girls!  There could be some girls who are into it, I know this, but I’d speculate the majority of women will not be.  At least feel a girl out a little bit before you fly your freak flag (not literally).  I’m just sayin…

Shit Magnet

I seem to get the most interesting emails on the dating site AFTER I’ve gone to sleep, apparently I still appear to be “online”.  Take this thread for example…

This dude kept sending messages, I guess he thought that I was ignoring him.

In one message he said “I love you, Kimberly”.

What the fuck?

So the next day I replied with “I think that you must have me confused with someone else.”

To which he replied “Kimberly is my ex, I was just trying to get your attention.”

Let me get this straight, this guy thinks that a good way to get a girl’s attention is by addressing her by his ex’s name?

Jeebus, it’s no wonder he’s still single.

I told him that it was just “bizarre”.

He apologized, said it was a mistake and he wouldn’t do it again, then said if I didn’t want to talk to him that he’d just move on.

I suggested that he move on, and not try the “Kimberly” thing with any other girl, because it will NEVER work.

Again, I wonder am I just a magnet for this crazy bullshit?

One more thing….

Remember the dramatic emails I got from the exes fiancé s recently?

Today, the ex, M, texts me and says “Now that everything has calmed down, T wants to know if you’re interested in make-up and skin care, and if she could add you to her Mary Kay mailing list.”

Fucking seriously?

I text back “Ummmm I kinda thought she hated me.”

Then he tells me that she never had a problem with me.

I just replied “M, she did have a problem with me.  She wrote an unkind, unprovoked email.  Now, that’s her thing.  But I don’t want drama and I don’t like it laid at my doorstep.  I love you as one of my dearest friends and I want you to be happy and I want the kids to be happy.  But it’s a little hard for me to act like it didn’t happen, especially when I didn’t deserve it.  And I’m allergic to Mary Kay make up anyway.”

Then he replied about T being harassed and his sister-in-law.

I told him that I was done talking about it.

Again, what is wrong with people? Why create drama and bullshit where there is none?  My life is too busy for that…

Accenting the Obvious

Accents…

Admit it, you either like them or you hate them.

Most people begin to immediately make assumptions about a person as soon as they hear a voice that doesn’t sound like their own.

Whether the assumptions carry any weight or not, that’s just how our minds seem to work.

You know that when you hear a southern, a New York, a Boston, a British, an Indian accent you already think that you know something about the person.  A little slow perhaps? Snooty? Sophisticated?

I’ll admit I’ve been a little swayed by a lovely accent before; I’ve dated Irish, British and Italian men.  But underneath the soliloquy, they’re just dudes.  We all know that there are assholes in every nationality.

These makes me think of a guy I once met on a dating site.  We started out texting, which is how I prefer things to go, then, late one night, he called me.

“Wow, you have an accent!”  Was his initial comment.

“Yea, I know, I’m not a Cincinnati native.”  I reply, thinking it will be the end of the discussion about my accent.  Which, by the way, isn’t a bad accent at all.  And the longer I live here, the slighter it becomes.

But… it went on and on…

“From looking at you, I’d never guess you had a country accent!”

Sheesh…

I may not look like a country girl, but, underneath all this ink… I am one.

I’ve always thought that I sounded like a hick and even as my accent becomes slighter, there are words that I know I’ll never be able to say “right”.  But that’s ok, that’s part of my charm.

Anyway, he kept going on and on about my accent, even trying to mimic it (or mock, I’m not sure).  I began to feel a little offended.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a chip on my shoulder, and I can accept some good natured teasing, but for fuck’s sake, he wouldn’t let it go.

I was sooooooo relieved when he got another call that he had to take.

Now, he could have been a perfectly nice guy who was a little nervous, not a good conversationalist or just a total dunce, I don’t know.

I have to put him in the same category as the guy who said I looked like a really cute cartoon character.

Oh yea, before I forget to mention it, TrippyBeth is smitten.

I know, look out and batten down the hatches!!

I don’t know if it will go anywhere, not sure if he’s smitten or not, all I know, right now, is that I like spending time with him…

Oh, don’t forget to check out my photo blog if you get the chance!!

http://reflectionsuponmyreality2.wordpress.com/

Sisyphus Has Nothing Over on Me

This story takes place early in my dating career (I hate that term, now that I think of it, career signifies some longevity to me, and I sure as fuck don’t want to date forever.  As a matter of fact, I am ready to retire right now).

I had been talking to this fellow for a few weeks.  It was before I came to the realization that talking forever before actually meeting is a bad idea.  If you spend 3 weeks chatting/emailing/texting, then meet only to find out that: he’s a potential serial killer, he eats like a ravenous wolverine, his wardrobe consists solely of Ed Hardy apparel, he insists on touching you inappropriately, he reeks of cologne that curls your nose hair.  Well, those 3 weeks are WASTED.  Okay, maybe not completely wasted in my case, it gives me fodder for my stories.  But in the big picture of actually meeting someone and having a real relationship, it’s squandered time.

We decide to meet at a restaurant not far from my office after work.  We had texted back and forth all day.  I was excited, I was still naïve about dating at that point and had much more hope than I’ve had lately.

I pull into the parking lot, send him a text that I’m there and have a final look in the mirror.  He texts me back to tell me where he is sitting and I head on in.

When I walk in a place to meet someone, I feel like I have a flashing sign over my head “DESPERATE TO MEET SOMEONE” in neon.  I can imagine people shaking their heads “THAT girl is never going to meet anyone…. Poor girl.”  But like Sisyphus, I keep rolling that rock up the hill…….. one of these days I’m gonna get it there and cheer triumphantly as I watch it roll down the other side, stirring up dust, bouncing off trees, frightening small animals, until it is out of my view.

Back to the date……

I walk in, to the designated area, turning a corner, there he sits………………………….

……………………………wait for it……………………………………………………..

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

…………………..WITH HIS THREE CHILDREN!!!

I’m pragmatic; I understand and expect for men my age to have children.  However, I do not expect them to be brought along for the first date.

There they were with their little cherub faces smiling up at me.

FUCK

He, BB, stands up, ushers me into a seat.  The kids are excitedly saying “Hi”.

I almost felt like I was at the animal shelter and the puppies are vying for my attention, eager to be taken home.

At this point, I’m not even sure what is happening, it all seemed surreal.

The waitress comes by to take our drink orders, the kids told her what they wanted, then she turned to me and asked “What will Mom have?”

I bit my tongue and didn’t interject that I wasn’t “Mom”; it wasn’t the fault of those 3 adorable little children that they had been dragged along on a date with their father, much like a raw slab of meat lying on a bear trap, to entice a woman, or perhaps convince her.

I politely ordered an iced tea, although a beer, hell a shot of tequila sounded much more appropriate.

I can’t say that the rest of the meal was unpleasant, they weren’t horrible children.  As we stood on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant at the end of the evening, saying our goodbyes, each child hugged me.

I really felt like a total asshoke (this is an intentional misspelling fyi).  I knew I would never be the mother that BB was looking for.  He was a widower and was searching for a Mommy part deux, with a little too much zealousness.

I politely declined further dates with the BB family.

Interestingly, about 2.5 years later, I went to a singles dance with KR (not my scene, no one there looked like me) and BB was there.  I did not see his children, but I’m still not sure that they weren’t there.  I hope that he is baiting his trap with something besides children now, but since he is still on the prowl, I can’t be certain.  Of course, TrippyBeth is still on the prowl too, so I have no room to talk.

All I bait my trap with is me…….wait………..maybe I’ve just discovered my problem.

I’m Good…NO, Seriously, I’m GOOD

I wore lipstick this morning in an attempt not to look so hideous, because, trust me, I am hideous.  Everyone commented on how “cute” I looked when I walked in the office this morning.

Bizarre.

MUST. BUY. MORE. LIPSTICK.

That has to be it; I frightened myself when I looked in the mirror this morning.

I have a question for the entire male population out there…

WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE SUBMISSIVE MEN OUT THERE??

I get A LOT of messages from these guys offering to do “anything I want”.  I am not a dominant type of girl AT ALL.  And, I promise you, there are no photos on my profile of me in leather with a whip, offering up a ball gag to whoever wants to be a good boy. 

I want a MAN THAT IS A MAN, that acts like a MAN.  I prefer manly, dominant men.  But, hey, that’s just me… I’m sure there are girls out there that are more than happy to tie a dude up and offer a little torture for shits and giggles.

But, that girl is not me fellas, sorry.

And while I’m bitching… what’s up with the MARRIED GUYS?

Am I going to have to add a disclaimer to my profile “NOT INTERESTED IN MARRIED GUYS”??

They’re all looking for a little fun “on the down low”.  Occasionally, they are in “OPEN” relationships, which I am very suspicious of.

When I decline their very generous offers, I get “well, don’t you want to have a little fun until you find a man”??

Uuuuummmm, no thanks dude, I’m good.

If You Let Me See Yours….

Introducing Exhibitionist Guy…

Is rubbing off on cam really a big thing? Sheesh, I get asked if I wanna “watch” with moderate regularity. And I do NOT have anything in my profile saying that’s my THING. I’m pretty visual, I think, for a girl. Usually women aren’t excessively turned on by watching. That’s why porn is such a man’s game. I especially wouldn’t get turned on knowing that all I could do was watch. Kinda takes the fun out of it, in my opinion.

I mean, if you’re in a long distance relationship, I totally get the camming. But a total stranger? AND you know that his arousal has NOTHING to do with YOU, just his thing for having someone watch him.

Again, isn’t Tumblr for that? Some folks wanna watch, so match the watchers up with the strokers and it’s a match made in heaven… well heaven might not be the best term.

But, go on with your bad selves!! Just don’t involve me, K?

I will say that I may have a tiny exhibitionist streak of my own, but not to show off to total strangers. Someone accused me of liking to show off my boobs this weekend! I was shocked at the accusation! I denied it!

“Do you like your boobs?” I was asked.

“Well of course I do” I answered.

That doesn’t make me addicted to showing them off, although I may concur that a photo with a little cleavage is not a bad thing!

I must really be racking up the REM sleep lately, I’ve been dreaming like CRAZY.

Over the weekend I had a few interesting dreams.

The first:

I dreamt I married someone I went to elementary school for 2 years with. I haven’t seen him in FOREVER, although we do chat some on Facebook.

In the dream, we married, went to bed (no brown-chicken-brown-cow) and when we woke up the next morning he asked “Are we ever going to make out?”

This particular guy had told me, recently, that when I came to their school (4th & 5th grade) that the boys all had crushes on me.

I was flabbergasted!! I just felt like the new weird girl. If I had known, WOW what it would have done for my self esteem! May have changed the whole course of my life!

The second:

I dreamt I was married to a way older man and we lived in this huge house. My bedroom was on the third floor, in an attic-like room. In one window there was a window air conditioner. I walked past it and it FELL OUT! BLAM, down on the driveway.

So, older husband comes home, I tell him about it, and he’s FURIOUS. I tell him that obviously he didn’t install it right or it wouldn’t have fallen out so easily.

Weird.

The common theme here is that I’m married. In the second dream, I just felt married. Maybe because there was some obvious misery going on?

Now, I’m not TOTALLY against marriage, I’m not. It works out great for some people, I know that. I just feel that I can be just as committed to someone, without a marriage license as I could be with one. I’d have no problem living in sin… we all know TrippyBeth digs a little sinnin’!

It can’t be all that bad, people keep doing it… even the gay folks want to do it (which I totally support BTW), if it’s a right for some of us, it should be a right for all of us! Doesn’t government have bigger fish to fry anyway?

Of course, it’s not as though that situation is anywhere on my horizon!

The last time I was proposed to it was via Facebook from someone I’ve never even met! Sigh… I don’t think that could be considered a REAL proposal. And the time before that, the guy that suggested we fly out to Vegas and get married, ended up ALREADY BEING MARRIED. For fuck’s sake. I asked him what he had planned to do once we got to Vegas. He said that he had planned to explain everything on the plane (where I’d be a captive audience). And of course, because he was so awesome, I’d totally be ok with being the other woman, something I swore I’d NEVER be…

Uuuuuummmmm, yea… NO FUCKING WAY!

Some people really do have dumb kids.