Can I Borrow Your Neuralyzer??

Friday night I was supposed to go out with BD…

BD, a lothario from my recent past.  If I believed in a god, I would tell you that god had blessed him immensely, we always have a good time, we have HOT sex and I genuinely like him.  Over the period of time that we’ve seen each other, he said he didn’t think he was ready for a “relationship”, which I interpreted as meaning that he just didn’t want to be in a relationship with ME.  Which didn’t surprise me, because, who does want to be with me??

Right? Only my cat and I really question her judgment.  She obviously makes bad decisions or she wouldn’t have ended up out on the streets in the first place.

But now…. BD tells me that I am the only girl he talks to and the he really wants to have a “relationship” with me.  That statement has progressed from “I want to try to give you what you need” to “I want a relationship with you”.

Friday night, however, didn’t happen.  He has a new job and has been working ridiculous hours and didn’t get off until late.  He still wanted to get together, but I offered a raincheck.  We decided we would have lunch on Sunday.

I ended up in the ER Sunday morning.

F M L.

He has continually checked on me…  I really want to see him.  But, not just for the sex that I sooooooooo badly need.  I want to kiss his dimples.  Is that fucked up? That is NOT me.  Maybe I had a stroke and I just don’t know it yet.

So that scares me… when I get scared, I end up running for the hills, screaming like a banshee, pulling my hair out and generally avoiding eye liner… all things bad for me and ridiculously unseductive.

I’m trying to be brave and I AM going to see him.

Someone that I love and respect madly told me that if I don’t at least try, he will be pissed at me… so, MG, I will try… I promise.

So, Friday night, I just hung around in my pjs, watched a few episodes of “The Dead Files” and felt kinda crappy, which came to an unexpected head Sunday morning.

Anyway, I get a text message from my EX sister-in-law that I’ve only spoken to a handful of times over the last 4 years.

I don’t dislike her, she and I always got along pretty well… but, with divorce and distance, those relationships fall to the wayside.  It’s ok.

The messages started out innocuously “Hey, how are you.”

Then progressed to “I wanted to talk to you about relationships”.

SAY WHAT?

I replied with “I’m not sure I’m the best person to discuss relationships with, you were witness to what a spectacular disaster my marriage was.”

But, just like every other person that wants to tell me things about their life that I don’t want to know, she is undeterred.

Her marriage is miserable, he ignores her, and she tries to think of excuses not to go home…

I suggest talking, counseling, trying to reconnect, etc…

Then she drops the mutherfucking atom bomb.

“There’s something else.”

“Okay.”

“I’m having an affair.”

Well slap my ass and call me Fanny… why in the holy hell would she feel compelled to tell me that?  That is the LAST thing that I wanted to know.

I AM THE GIRL THAT WAS CHEATED ON IN MY MARRIAGE.

I hate to judge people, I REALLY do and I try so goddamn hard not to… but sonofabitch!

THEN, she tells me who she’s fucking around with.  Thank the universe I don’t know him.

Did she want me to tell her that I think it’s ok?  I will not.  If you’re done with someone, grow some balls and end it… don’t be a fucking coward and sneak around like some common tramp.

I said that it is up to us to find our own happiness, but we shouldn’t destroy others in the process.  And in what reality am I the voice of reason??  I’m the screw-up, I’m the mess, I’m the fucking disaster on wheels….

AND… once you know something you can’t UN-know it.

Sonofa…

Now, fever, please vanquish ASAP!!

If You Let Me See Yours….

Introducing Exhibitionist Guy…

Is rubbing off on cam really a big thing? Sheesh, I get asked if I wanna “watch” with moderate regularity. And I do NOT have anything in my profile saying that’s my THING. I’m pretty visual, I think, for a girl. Usually women aren’t excessively turned on by watching. That’s why porn is such a man’s game. I especially wouldn’t get turned on knowing that all I could do was watch. Kinda takes the fun out of it, in my opinion.

I mean, if you’re in a long distance relationship, I totally get the camming. But a total stranger? AND you know that his arousal has NOTHING to do with YOU, just his thing for having someone watch him.

Again, isn’t Tumblr for that? Some folks wanna watch, so match the watchers up with the strokers and it’s a match made in heaven… well heaven might not be the best term.

But, go on with your bad selves!! Just don’t involve me, K?

I will say that I may have a tiny exhibitionist streak of my own, but not to show off to total strangers. Someone accused me of liking to show off my boobs this weekend! I was shocked at the accusation! I denied it!

“Do you like your boobs?” I was asked.

“Well of course I do” I answered.

That doesn’t make me addicted to showing them off, although I may concur that a photo with a little cleavage is not a bad thing!

I must really be racking up the REM sleep lately, I’ve been dreaming like CRAZY.

Over the weekend I had a few interesting dreams.

The first:

I dreamt I married someone I went to elementary school for 2 years with. I haven’t seen him in FOREVER, although we do chat some on Facebook.

In the dream, we married, went to bed (no brown-chicken-brown-cow) and when we woke up the next morning he asked “Are we ever going to make out?”

This particular guy had told me, recently, that when I came to their school (4th & 5th grade) that the boys all had crushes on me.

I was flabbergasted!! I just felt like the new weird girl. If I had known, WOW what it would have done for my self esteem! May have changed the whole course of my life!

The second:

I dreamt I was married to a way older man and we lived in this huge house. My bedroom was on the third floor, in an attic-like room. In one window there was a window air conditioner. I walked past it and it FELL OUT! BLAM, down on the driveway.

So, older husband comes home, I tell him about it, and he’s FURIOUS. I tell him that obviously he didn’t install it right or it wouldn’t have fallen out so easily.

Weird.

The common theme here is that I’m married. In the second dream, I just felt married. Maybe because there was some obvious misery going on?

Now, I’m not TOTALLY against marriage, I’m not. It works out great for some people, I know that. I just feel that I can be just as committed to someone, without a marriage license as I could be with one. I’d have no problem living in sin… we all know TrippyBeth digs a little sinnin’!

It can’t be all that bad, people keep doing it… even the gay folks want to do it (which I totally support BTW), if it’s a right for some of us, it should be a right for all of us! Doesn’t government have bigger fish to fry anyway?

Of course, it’s not as though that situation is anywhere on my horizon!

The last time I was proposed to it was via Facebook from someone I’ve never even met! Sigh… I don’t think that could be considered a REAL proposal. And the time before that, the guy that suggested we fly out to Vegas and get married, ended up ALREADY BEING MARRIED. For fuck’s sake. I asked him what he had planned to do once we got to Vegas. He said that he had planned to explain everything on the plane (where I’d be a captive audience). And of course, because he was so awesome, I’d totally be ok with being the other woman, something I swore I’d NEVER be…

Uuuuuummmmm, yea… NO FUCKING WAY!

Some people really do have dumb kids.