Can I Borrow Your Neuralyzer??

Friday night I was supposed to go out with BD…

BD, a lothario from my recent past.  If I believed in a god, I would tell you that god had blessed him immensely, we always have a good time, we have HOT sex and I genuinely like him.  Over the period of time that we’ve seen each other, he said he didn’t think he was ready for a “relationship”, which I interpreted as meaning that he just didn’t want to be in a relationship with ME.  Which didn’t surprise me, because, who does want to be with me??

Right? Only my cat and I really question her judgment.  She obviously makes bad decisions or she wouldn’t have ended up out on the streets in the first place.

But now…. BD tells me that I am the only girl he talks to and the he really wants to have a “relationship” with me.  That statement has progressed from “I want to try to give you what you need” to “I want a relationship with you”.

Friday night, however, didn’t happen.  He has a new job and has been working ridiculous hours and didn’t get off until late.  He still wanted to get together, but I offered a raincheck.  We decided we would have lunch on Sunday.

I ended up in the ER Sunday morning.

F M L.

He has continually checked on me…  I really want to see him.  But, not just for the sex that I sooooooooo badly need.  I want to kiss his dimples.  Is that fucked up? That is NOT me.  Maybe I had a stroke and I just don’t know it yet.

So that scares me… when I get scared, I end up running for the hills, screaming like a banshee, pulling my hair out and generally avoiding eye liner… all things bad for me and ridiculously unseductive.

I’m trying to be brave and I AM going to see him.

Someone that I love and respect madly told me that if I don’t at least try, he will be pissed at me… so, MG, I will try… I promise.

So, Friday night, I just hung around in my pjs, watched a few episodes of “The Dead Files” and felt kinda crappy, which came to an unexpected head Sunday morning.

Anyway, I get a text message from my EX sister-in-law that I’ve only spoken to a handful of times over the last 4 years.

I don’t dislike her, she and I always got along pretty well… but, with divorce and distance, those relationships fall to the wayside.  It’s ok.

The messages started out innocuously “Hey, how are you.”

Then progressed to “I wanted to talk to you about relationships”.

SAY WHAT?

I replied with “I’m not sure I’m the best person to discuss relationships with, you were witness to what a spectacular disaster my marriage was.”

But, just like every other person that wants to tell me things about their life that I don’t want to know, she is undeterred.

Her marriage is miserable, he ignores her, and she tries to think of excuses not to go home…

I suggest talking, counseling, trying to reconnect, etc…

Then she drops the mutherfucking atom bomb.

“There’s something else.”

“Okay.”

“I’m having an affair.”

Well slap my ass and call me Fanny… why in the holy hell would she feel compelled to tell me that?  That is the LAST thing that I wanted to know.

I AM THE GIRL THAT WAS CHEATED ON IN MY MARRIAGE.

I hate to judge people, I REALLY do and I try so goddamn hard not to… but sonofabitch!

THEN, she tells me who she’s fucking around with.  Thank the universe I don’t know him.

Did she want me to tell her that I think it’s ok?  I will not.  If you’re done with someone, grow some balls and end it… don’t be a fucking coward and sneak around like some common tramp.

I said that it is up to us to find our own happiness, but we shouldn’t destroy others in the process.  And in what reality am I the voice of reason??  I’m the screw-up, I’m the mess, I’m the fucking disaster on wheels….

AND… once you know something you can’t UN-know it.

Sonofa…

Now, fever, please vanquish ASAP!!

Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater…

It seems like when one ex attempts to resurface, they all do.

They may not even be exes that I had an official “relationship” with, they could just be someone that I dated and then I faded out (fading out is what I do… technically I never “broke up” with the last 3 guys I’ve dated).

I have had, in the last week, professions of love, offers to give me money and to buy new tires for my car, a confession that “no one else makes me feel the way you do”, an “I miss your cute ass” and various other admissions.

It is not my habit to go back for seconds… if something didn’t work, there was a reason and everyone should just move on.

One man was guilty of the first 3 admissions that I listed. He was a man that I once thought that I loved.

I’ll never forget the first night that we met… we had been chatting for a while, having met through a dating site.
It was the Friday after Thanksgiving almost 4 years ago. I was alone and bummed, so I proposed that we meet, THAT NIGHT.

He was working and wouldn’t be off until that evening, when he would take a taxi back into the city.

I volunteered to pick him up.

When he walked out to my car with his duffle bag thrown over his shoulder, I got butterflies in my tummy, it was a feeling I was unaccustomed to.

We chatted nervously on the drive, when we got back to the city, we stopped for a beer. Things began to flow at that point, we laughed, we flirted, and we made out in the car.

Things progressed, I traveled out of town with him a few times, and I felt like part of a couple.

Until I didn’t.

Around Christmas he got distant, traveling more, just being absent. It hurt and I backed off… way off.

I started dating other guys.

Then he was back, professing his love.

He asked me to go to Vegas with him and get married.

Something still felt hinky to me; I couldn’t take him or his proposal seriously.
I won’t go into the hows and the whys, but I discovered that he was married.

I was so fucking furious; I wanted to release a colony of fire ants on his balls. He made me into one person that I swore I’d never be… THE OTHER WOMAN.

I would never, knowingly, be an instrument to someone else’s pain (except his) that’s not how I roll.

But he never went away, even when I told him that I wanted him to die, when I was in other relationships, he never gave up. Which one could say would point to some instability.

I will admit that I’ve seen him a couple of times… sometimes I’m weak. Seeing him has been subsequent to his divorce. I still have some standards.

It’s been almost 4 years; he still says that he loves me… is that even possible? I don’t know, I personally am not sure I’ve ever been in love, so how could I know?

I have to be able to trust someone, I feel like if I gave in to him, moved in with him, whatever… that I’d never be able to trust him. He doesn’t travel anymore, so he probably has less opportunity…

And I really need some love.

But once a cheater, always a cheater… right??