Abhorrent Attraction

I told you recently that I had rejoined the online dating world. At this point, I am not completely sure why.  I am chatting with a couple of guys, one seems WAY TOO EAGER to meet me, I’m not sure how to deal with this.  Am I just what he’s been looking for? OR… is he fucking crazy?  It’s impossible to know until you’ve met.  Am I going to meet him?  I’m not sure yet.

Last night, I get this message:

 Grandpa Sid wants me to sit on his lap…Shivers…

One of my friends (you know who you are) got WAAAAYYYY too much enjoyment out of this.

If you look closely at the photo, Grandpa Sid appears to have a hard-on… I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

I also get this totally romantic message, from a child:

 I will never understand this methodology, maybe I’m just a prude??

Apparently my phone is feeling my pain, understanding my desire to get laid.  When updating my Facebook status using talk-to-text it mis-interpreted “bracken county”. Glad I checked it before I posted, my family would have really been impressed!!!

If I’m going to be honest, I am perpetually in “fucking horny”, no trip necessary!!

AND lastly, yesterday I went on a Scott Kelby Worldwide Photo Walk.  There was not one single guy in the group… Traditional dating, my fucking ass… I can NEVER meet anyone.

Anyway, here’s a post from the walk…http://reflectionsuponmyreality2.wordpress.com/2013/10/06/100-strangers-project-continued/

Revisiting My Regrets…

Regrets…

We all have them, big ones, small ones, ones we don’t even realize we have until something smacks us in the face.

I know that we can learn from our regrets, try to live our lives without regrets, but that is much easier said than done.

One of my biggest, most immensely overwhelming regret in my life was BA.

I loved BA with more love than I had ever felt for a man.

We shared everything with each other, every dirty secret, every shame, every triumph, every fleeting thought and idea… EVERYTHING.

We spent hours on the phone when he was on the road, he would read me his writing, I would read him mine.  He was published; I was working on a novel.  He was always encouraging, helping, gently pushing.

BA lived in the Columbus area and I in the Cincinnati area.

He wanted to find a job and move to Cincinnati.

What I did will make no sense to the rational reader, I’m sure.

I told him no.

“Didn’t you love him?” the reader might ask.

Madly.

“Why?”

Because I loved him so much that I thought he deserved someone better than me.

I will never forget how hurt he was.  I was devastated.  I can’t even write this without crying.

We went for a while without talking, and then slipped back into a friendship.  We mostly discussed writing or books or photography…

He was dating again and I knew it, I thought it was best for him, even though it was like a knife in my heart.

Then he met A… he would tell me about her.  I could tell very soon that she had fallen in love with him, something I could totally understand.

He would say that she was my opposite, serious and hard working compared to my flighty, artsy vibe.  I thought that was good for him.  He could build a future with someone like her.

I never met A.

Until BA died.

BA was a runner and cyclist.  He was very fit.

But he had a heart attack one morning as he was driving to work.

He was able to call 911, by the time they reached him, he had to be resuscitated.   They were successful at resuscitating him, but BA never woke up.

I didn’t know, until I saw a bizarre post on his Facebook.  Someone was praying for him or something.  I got this horrible empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I called him; of course there was no answer.

The panic began to set in.  I messaged his brother on Facebook and he immediately got back with me and told me what had happened.

I completely fell apart at my desk in my office.  I knew.

I reached out to A.  She was so kind as her own world was falling apart.  She kept me up to date on his condition.  They held out some hope that he might wake up.

I began to hope too, even though everything that I knew told me that it was extremely unlikely.

I traveled to Columbus to see him; my thoughts became so irrational… Maybe he’d wake up for me, I just needed to talk to him, touch him… maybe if he heard my voice, felt my touch, he’d come back.

When I arrived at the hospital, A and I knew each other immediately, even though we had never met.  We held each other and broke down.

Once we were able to catch our breaths, she took my hand and led me back to the ICU area “He will want to see you.”

We stood in there together at his bedside as she stroked his face, straightened his bed as tears silently trailed down her face.

I sobbed, so loudly at one point that a nurse came in to check on him.

I wanted time alone with him, but thought that it would be too insensitive to ask.

After a while, one of his doctors came in and called the family out to have a meeting about his condition.

I was finally alone with him; I went to the other side of his bed so I could get closer to him, unencumbered by all of the lines, tubes and monitors.

I kissed his sweet face and as my own tears dripped onto his pale blue gown… I BEGGED, I PLEADED with him to come back.

COME BACK TO ME… I would make it all up to him; I’d keep him and never let him go.  I told him over and over how much I loved him until my voice began to fail me… then I bent closer to him and whispered it in his ear.

I begged him to come back for A, I tried to negotiate with a God that I don’t even believe exists (but he did).

As I cried and begged and promised, his eyelids fluttered with intensity… in my heart I will always believe that he heard me.

The family returned and I knew I had to leave before I completely lost it.  A and I embraced, she promised to keep me up to date on his condition, and I walked out of the hospital… I never saw my precious BA again.

A few days later the decision was made to terminate the life support and the next day he died.

It will be a year next week, and sometimes the pain feels as fresh and raw as it did the day I walked out of that hospital.

I kept in contact with A, checking on her every few days, she was devastated and I worried about her.

Now, a year later, she is one of my best friends.

I wonder how surprised BA would be.  He said that we were opposites, yet we were the same in our love for him.

Along with my regret, I feel guilt.  I wonder if he had moved here, would he have died?  Would I have recognized something in the fact that he didn’t feel well the day before the heart attack?  Could my nursing training, background have saved his life?

Some days I tell myself that I could have, that it’s my fault… then other days I know that it’s not.

Even as close as A and I have become, I don’t know what she knows about the relationship between BA and I and I’m sure that I could never ask.

So what have I learned you might ask?

At this point, I’m not even sure.

Do I think that I could ever think I was good enough for someone so wonderful?  Not yet.

Do I think I can ever love someone like that again?  I’m afraid to.

Do I think I was stupid for letting him go?  For me, yes… for him, no.  He created a happy life with A.

Do I miss BA? Does my heart ache?  Every single day…

Spreadsheet Dating…

There are 4 men on my radar now.

I know, it’s either feast or famine.

So I think, to help prevent myself from making more bad decisions, I’m going to make a spreadsheet.  Maybe assign a point system and see how things add up.

Here is the list and a short back story for each.

#1

I dated him for a couple of months 2 years ago, at the same time that I was getting sick.

I faded out because I didn’t think that it was fair to him to get involved with someone who was sick, especially since we didn’t know what the outcome would be.

We have continued to stay in touch, we get along great.

When I mentioned us trying to date again months ago, he was hesitant because of my previous fade out… totally understandable.

But last week he says that we need to get together and talk about it, hopefully that will happen tonight.  He works a crazy swing shift schedule, which really isn’t all that awful for me, because I like my alone time (curse of the only child).

AND I will be riding to Jersey with him next week to pick up his new motorcycle… ROAD TRIP!!

 

#2

We have randomly hooked up and went out over the last 2 years.

He was what I’d call relationship-phobic and I knew that going in, so we’ve had fun together when I haven’t been seeing someone and/or have time.

He recently told me that he’d like to try to give me what I want relationship-wise.

He’s funny, charming, has dimples and works A LOT.

Depending on his work, he wants to go out Saturday night.

 

#3

“Met” on OKC, have been chatting for a few weeks.

He’s a doctor.  I don’t usually care for doctors, I’ve dated a few and just never vibed with them, maybe because I’m a nurse and I know them from another perspective, I don’t know.

But I chatted with him for a while before he even told me, so he’s not all “I’m a doctor, you should fuck me” kinda dude.

He’s wicked cute.

We have talked about meeting, and he tells me he likes my “look”… so we shall see.

 

#4

“Met” on OKC, been chatting over a week or so.

He’s a dealer at a casino, works crazy hours.

He’s a romantic and we have a lot of things in common… he’s definitely interested.  We have talked about meeting, but haven’t set anything up.  With my schedule it will be a couple of weeks probably.  We will see if we both remain interested.

 

I just want to get off of the merry-go-round.  If none of these work out, I’m absolutely going on hiatus… I have to.

Mirror, Mirror…

“You are extremely sexy- it’s your superpower – use it for good.”

This from a man that I had a fling with about a year ago, a sexy older man… who was going through a divorce… we were so not in the same place.  But, it was ok; it was really what we both needed at the time, neither of us had any delusions that it was more than it was.

He reached out to me after reading some of my stuff…

Wouldn’t it be nice to see yourself through the eyes of someone else??  Obviously, not someone that hates you or thinks that you’re a fuckweasel, but someone who thinks good things about you.

I’d like to look in the mirror and not see ugly and lame… I’d love to see the funny, artsy chick that some people think I am… I’d love to see sexy or, just for a minute, beautiful.

Who are the people that can see themselves for what they truly are?  Do these people even exist (that aren’t raging narcissists)?

I tried for a while, to enumerate some things that I didn’t think were bad about myself, tell myself every morning that I’m good enough, that I’m worthy…

It was an exercise in futility.

I’m thinking about getting hypnotized…  it’s worth a shot, right?????

I fear that if I used sexiness as a superpower, I’d just destroy cities and shit… I mean, how could I resist???

Not A Keeper

Not a keeper.

That’s who I am.

I should really be used to it by now.

I’m not.

Want a girl to have a good time with? Want a girl who can hold her own at the bar? Want a girl that isn’t afraid to do something totally crazy?  Want a girl to have a few weeks of crazy sex with??

I’m the girl for all of that.

Want a girl to be your girlfriend?  Want a girl to take home and meet your mother?

I’m apparently not the girl for that.

I hope you’ll forgive me for all of the whining I’m doing here… I do have friends, believe it or not.

But, I’m a suicide survivor, and they get all freaked when they think I’m down.  I don’t want to freak them out.

I need to vent.

“You’re not picking the right guys” is what I hear.   How in the fuck do you know who is the right guy?  Where in the fuck is he hiding?  Is it just not in the cards for me?

I hate all of these feelings of inadequacy… not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not successful enough… where does it end?  When will I ever feel good enough?

I don’t see it happening any time soon….

But, hey, I’m not lying in the bathtub with a blade to my wrists, so I’m not doing too bad.

Un-Fuck Me, Universe

Some days are hard… fucking hard.

Today has been one of those days for me.  Sometimes the weight of my loneliness hits me squarely in the gut… deflating me like a balloon, 3 days after the birthday party.

I drove around for a little while with the camera, only got about 4 photos I liked, then the rain forced me to go home, and I slept the afternoon away.

I went radio silent, no texting, no emailing…  is that healthy? Unlikely…  Do I know what is healthy? Unlikely.

Sometimes the darkness swallows me, I’ve learned that fighting it is futile… I’ll wallow a while, I suppose… what else do I have to do?

I wish that I had a normal, chemically-un-fucked brain.

Sigh.

 

Submission Saturday

I continue to be surprised by the sheer volume of submissive dudes there are out there.
This is just one of MANY similar messages I’ve received. At first, I thought I was some kind of weird sub magnet… But now I know better.
The first time a guy said “You might think this is unusual but my fantasy is to have a girl use a strap-on on me.”
After hearing it multiple times, I no longer think it’s unusual, it’s common.
The world definitely looks differently than it did before my re-entry into the dating world.

Thanks A Lot Universe

I think that the universe was fucking with me.

Something transpired with FG and a text message that I received that wasn’t meant for me.  One of my BFFs was also creeping on his Facebook and many of his posts seem angry.  I’m not a person that can deal with that and she knows it.  She texted me and asked if I had read his FB posts, I hadn’t (I’d make a terrible stalker), so I did.  The posts made me uncomfortable.

So, since I felt so hinky, I texted him and cancelled, I said that maybe we could reschedule for tomorrow, mainly to see what his response would be.  All that he replied was “yup”.

I think I’ll just drink wine and take antihistamines tonight.

Cyber-Slap Me

Well, tonight I meet Facebook Guy (FG) I’m excited, but I’m not getting my hopes up, because I REFUSE to ever do that again… so if you notice that I’m getting my hopes up, give me a cyber-slap to the back of the head… PLEASE.

Last night during our non-stop textathon that has lasted 2 days, FG told me that he was poor.  He doesn’t have cable (no biggie, there’s never anything on it anyway) or a sofa.

Since I have a friend in the cyber-world that also doesn’t have a sofa, I hesitate to make any judgment regarding this.

Do I expect a man to take care of me? NO.  I’m a big girl; I can take care of myself.

Would I like a man to, EVENTUALLY, split bills with? HELL YES.

I once went out with a well-to-do older guy who said “I’d like to take care of you”.  It totally freaked me out and I went running for the hills.

Yea, I know, I have issues.  Speaking of issues, Boom and I were discussing the joys of not working last week, and I said that it was impossible for me not to work, being single and all.  He said unless I had a disability or something.

I said “Well I do have issues.”

He laughed and said “Uuuummm, I know, remember, we’ve met.”  HAHA

And the way we met only reinforces the severity of my issues.

 

Two years ago, I moved to my current city, at the same time I was getting sick with my autoimmune disease and I started dating this guy with the best smile I’ve ever seen in my ENTIRE life.  At the time I was in to bicycling, he was too, we got along really well.

Then I got sicker.

And I do what I do, I faded out.

We continued to stay in touch.  I once suggested that we try to date again but he admitted that he was “once bit, twice shy” and I really can’t blame him.  So I took it on the chin and we’ve remained friends.

He works a ridiculously fucked up swing-shift kinda schedule, which he says is making him hesitate to even get in a relationship.

So last night, we were texting, like we do almost every night and he says “Nothing easy in my life” (semi in jest) and I say “I’m the girl that you won’t date, you don’t have to tell me”.  He responds with “Ouch… a shot fired”. I apologized, it was late and I haven’t slept in days.

Then he says “It’s ok, you can speak what’s on your mind.  Perhaps we should have drinks and talk more about this.”  I said that I’d like that.  And I really would.

Is he softening? I don’t know.

Would I pick back up with him? Yes, in a heartbeat.

I realize that I fucked it up with him, I was sick and didn’t know how things were going to go, I didn’t want to drag anyone down with me… in retrospect, I know that I should have let him make that decision… but I thought I was doing what was best.  And really, what the fuck do I know anyway???

Tomorrow I’m going to a Reds game with my family and a BFF… 2 family weekends in a row… so bizarre!!!

OH AND… I have my first wedding scheduled for May, 2014!!

Have a great weekend peeps and fellow crazy girls!!!!

Hello, Hello… Universe Do You Hear Me????

Me to a work friend:  “Did you have fun on your day off?”

Friend: “You mean at my grandma’s funeral?”

Yes, I am that girl.

So… last night I had another particularly bad night, tears, self-pity, self-loathing and all around patheticness.

Before my Benadryl kicked in, I asked the universe to show me a sign, a sign that I won’t be alone forever, that I don’t suck.

This morning when I wake up, I have a friend request on Facebook, from a cute guy.  I think “what the hell” and I accept it. 

He messaged me and told me that he had seen a comment that I made on our city news page and he thought I was cute :-).  We’ve been chatting all morning…

I even told him about my request to the universe, he thought that it was cool.

Who knows what will happen, but maybe the universe was listening and was sick of my blathering.