Can I Borrow Your Neuralyzer??

Friday night I was supposed to go out with BD…

BD, a lothario from my recent past.  If I believed in a god, I would tell you that god had blessed him immensely, we always have a good time, we have HOT sex and I genuinely like him.  Over the period of time that we’ve seen each other, he said he didn’t think he was ready for a “relationship”, which I interpreted as meaning that he just didn’t want to be in a relationship with ME.  Which didn’t surprise me, because, who does want to be with me??

Right? Only my cat and I really question her judgment.  She obviously makes bad decisions or she wouldn’t have ended up out on the streets in the first place.

But now…. BD tells me that I am the only girl he talks to and the he really wants to have a “relationship” with me.  That statement has progressed from “I want to try to give you what you need” to “I want a relationship with you”.

Friday night, however, didn’t happen.  He has a new job and has been working ridiculous hours and didn’t get off until late.  He still wanted to get together, but I offered a raincheck.  We decided we would have lunch on Sunday.

I ended up in the ER Sunday morning.

F M L.

He has continually checked on me…  I really want to see him.  But, not just for the sex that I sooooooooo badly need.  I want to kiss his dimples.  Is that fucked up? That is NOT me.  Maybe I had a stroke and I just don’t know it yet.

So that scares me… when I get scared, I end up running for the hills, screaming like a banshee, pulling my hair out and generally avoiding eye liner… all things bad for me and ridiculously unseductive.

I’m trying to be brave and I AM going to see him.

Someone that I love and respect madly told me that if I don’t at least try, he will be pissed at me… so, MG, I will try… I promise.

So, Friday night, I just hung around in my pjs, watched a few episodes of “The Dead Files” and felt kinda crappy, which came to an unexpected head Sunday morning.

Anyway, I get a text message from my EX sister-in-law that I’ve only spoken to a handful of times over the last 4 years.

I don’t dislike her, she and I always got along pretty well… but, with divorce and distance, those relationships fall to the wayside.  It’s ok.

The messages started out innocuously “Hey, how are you.”

Then progressed to “I wanted to talk to you about relationships”.

SAY WHAT?

I replied with “I’m not sure I’m the best person to discuss relationships with, you were witness to what a spectacular disaster my marriage was.”

But, just like every other person that wants to tell me things about their life that I don’t want to know, she is undeterred.

Her marriage is miserable, he ignores her, and she tries to think of excuses not to go home…

I suggest talking, counseling, trying to reconnect, etc…

Then she drops the mutherfucking atom bomb.

“There’s something else.”

“Okay.”

“I’m having an affair.”

Well slap my ass and call me Fanny… why in the holy hell would she feel compelled to tell me that?  That is the LAST thing that I wanted to know.

I AM THE GIRL THAT WAS CHEATED ON IN MY MARRIAGE.

I hate to judge people, I REALLY do and I try so goddamn hard not to… but sonofabitch!

THEN, she tells me who she’s fucking around with.  Thank the universe I don’t know him.

Did she want me to tell her that I think it’s ok?  I will not.  If you’re done with someone, grow some balls and end it… don’t be a fucking coward and sneak around like some common tramp.

I said that it is up to us to find our own happiness, but we shouldn’t destroy others in the process.  And in what reality am I the voice of reason??  I’m the screw-up, I’m the mess, I’m the fucking disaster on wheels….

AND… once you know something you can’t UN-know it.

Sonofa…

Now, fever, please vanquish ASAP!!

I’ve Discovered My Price…

Early this morning I received and email from The Boy That Broke My Heart (TBTBMH).  It was just a link to a song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuzDghzyVjk.

Nothing else, no other words, just the link.

I cried, I listened to it a couple of times, then went back to sleep.

What is this? Sincerity? An apology? A mind fuck?

I sent a very brief reply.  I cannot pursue him… but truth be told I want him, I want him back, I want him back right fucking now.

I honestly don’t know which of us is more fucked up… he is distant and introverted, I am obsessive and extroverted.

But, I swear, the way I felt when I was with him made it all worth it.

What do I do now?

FIRST, stop obsessing… HA!  I am not going to contact him; the ball is completely in his court.

DON’T LET ME CONTACT HIM.

SECOND, I’m not getting my hopes up.  He could have been having a moment.

THIRD, I’m taking a dating break.  Not because of TBTBMH, but because the more I date, the more I think that I’m dead inside… and I don’t want to feel that way.

Saturday, I drove over 200 miles for some photographic opportunities that were promised me by a man that I know.

TWO HUNDRED FUCKING MILES.

And guess what??  He did not deliver.  BUT, wanted me to spend the night…

I was mad and went home, even though I had enough driving to do me for the weekend.

Speaking of photography, I’ve sold a couple of prints and am booking a senior portrait photo session…

AND I’ve been offered some ridiculous money to shoot an… ummmm… well… an orgy.

I’m a single girl and I could seriously use the $$.  I know the couple that has initiated this, I know the things that they are into but I’m not completely sure that I know what I could be getting myself into.  If nothing else, it could make for a crazy interesting blog post, right???

And, apparently, I can be bought!!  Or rented anyway.

I’m Charging Your HMO

Why are my feelings hurt because I feel rejected by someone that I didn’t even want in the first place??

How fucked up is that?

I met the doctor the other day, we went for a walk in the park, I took photos and he basically told me his entire life story… well, minus the part that occurred before middle school.

So the entire time, I’m doing the math in my head.

Cute +1

Employed +1

4 Kids -4

Needs therapy -1

Can’t picture myself doing the boom-boom -10

TOTAL -13

After that meeting I only heard from him one time.  But we had a fun texting relationship prior to meeting.

Once I got back to work today and had time to think about it, I felt that pang of rejection in my tummy… that feeling that I’ll never be good enough, that no one will ever want me, yada yada yada…

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

So, I texted him this morning about something we had discussed and asked if he didn’t want me to contact him again.  He says he does want to but he didn’t know how to “approach” it.

I responded with “I could tell there wasn’t any chemistry; I know that I’m not for everyone.”

He told me that I was cute, funny but that he was looking to feel a “tingle”.  So he obviously couldn’t picture himself doing the boom-boom with me. For the record, I’m damn good at the boom-boom!

Do I want to be wanted just for the sake of being wanted??  What kind of mental disorder is that?  I’m not a narcissist or an egomaniac; I’m actually pretty damn self-deprecating.

I met one other guy at a coffee shop during my days off… who also told me his entire life story, including, but not limited to, his totally insane ex.

Fuck me.

I stayed longer than I wanted to, only because he drove 90 minutes to see me, even after I tried really hard to discourage him.

Before I left, I took his hand in mine and said “Let me give you a little advice, the next time you meet a girl, do not tell her all about your ex in the first hour, ease her into it, if you must.  It’s really overwhelming.”

Then I departed, but not before finding a Nazi knife in the coffee shop parking lot.

I told a friend that I felt like a therapist and I was going to start charging their insurance for the visits.  This friend is a friend that I spoon with on occasion.  He said “Did you tell them you already have a client in Fairfield?”

That’s me, therapist to every man that doesn’t want me…

I actually have come up with the term that describes one off the afflictions that I’m saddled with… PTDS.  You might say “Don’t you mean PTSD?”

NO, it’s PTDS, post traumatic dating syndrome… it’s a thing.

Gimme Some Guilt

Guilt.

I have a lot of guilt over things in my life… bad decisions, disappointments, etc…

But, when someone TRIES to make me feel guilty, all it does is piss me off.

I once took kick boxing lessons.  They were one-on-one with a male instructor.  A cute, ripped male instructor.

He kept trying to get me to go out, which would have been ok, save for the fact that he was in a relationship, an “open relationship”.  Uh huh.

I just said that I’d prefer to remain friends and we did.  Then he moved out of town.  We would chat once in a while on Facebook or I’d get a random text from him.  He asked if I’d see him if he was back in town, I said “sure we could get a drink sometime.”

This past July 4^th weekend, he was back in town… and I was busy, it was fucking July 4^th weekend.  He was pissy about it, I was the only person he really wanted to see, etc etc…  I just said that I’m sorry he felt that way, I wasn’t changing my plans, maybe we could see each other the next time.

Then I don’t hear from him in months.

Until Saturday.  He was unexpectedly back in town and wanted to see me.  I was partially busy and partially feeling evil, so I declined.  All was well.

Until this morning.

He texted me and said today was his last day in town and he wanted to see me.  I declined (for a few reasons I won’t enumerate, that have nothing to do with him).

Now I’m getting a barrage of texts, saying that I make him feel like he’s “nothing, worthless” that I “make empty promises”, my words mean nothing and on and on and on…

I reply “Don’t play that card.”

It continues.

My final text “I’m done here, I’m not arguing.”

I swear I can’t take this drama!!! The men I want do not want me and the men that want me are fucking insane.  Is there a message here that I’m not getting?

I’m having a serious DM flare which could be making me more evil today, I don’t know… but fuck me…

Ex Sex… In my Dreams

I had dreams all night last night.

Dreams of sex with my most recent ex, we were doing it all over this abandoned building (combining my 2 favorite activities).

98% of the time my dreams are about someone trying to murder me, chasing me or abducting me.  This dream was a nice departure from that.  I’m still a little mad at my brain though, I want him to be dead to me.  I suppose he is, except in my dreams.

I lay the blame for this dream at the heels of Heels Not Needed (http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/54936358/) and her post about sexy dreams last night.

The funny thing about his dream was after every time we did it he said you’ve been ____-ked (a variation of his last name).   Oh and certain bodily fluids that are normally white-ish were purple.  Bizarre.

 

Spreadsheet Dating…

There are 4 men on my radar now.

I know, it’s either feast or famine.

So I think, to help prevent myself from making more bad decisions, I’m going to make a spreadsheet.  Maybe assign a point system and see how things add up.

Here is the list and a short back story for each.

#1

I dated him for a couple of months 2 years ago, at the same time that I was getting sick.

I faded out because I didn’t think that it was fair to him to get involved with someone who was sick, especially since we didn’t know what the outcome would be.

We have continued to stay in touch, we get along great.

When I mentioned us trying to date again months ago, he was hesitant because of my previous fade out… totally understandable.

But last week he says that we need to get together and talk about it, hopefully that will happen tonight.  He works a crazy swing shift schedule, which really isn’t all that awful for me, because I like my alone time (curse of the only child).

AND I will be riding to Jersey with him next week to pick up his new motorcycle… ROAD TRIP!!

 

#2

We have randomly hooked up and went out over the last 2 years.

He was what I’d call relationship-phobic and I knew that going in, so we’ve had fun together when I haven’t been seeing someone and/or have time.

He recently told me that he’d like to try to give me what I want relationship-wise.

He’s funny, charming, has dimples and works A LOT.

Depending on his work, he wants to go out Saturday night.

 

#3

“Met” on OKC, have been chatting for a few weeks.

He’s a doctor.  I don’t usually care for doctors, I’ve dated a few and just never vibed with them, maybe because I’m a nurse and I know them from another perspective, I don’t know.

But I chatted with him for a while before he even told me, so he’s not all “I’m a doctor, you should fuck me” kinda dude.

He’s wicked cute.

We have talked about meeting, and he tells me he likes my “look”… so we shall see.

 

#4

“Met” on OKC, been chatting over a week or so.

He’s a dealer at a casino, works crazy hours.

He’s a romantic and we have a lot of things in common… he’s definitely interested.  We have talked about meeting, but haven’t set anything up.  With my schedule it will be a couple of weeks probably.  We will see if we both remain interested.

 

I just want to get off of the merry-go-round.  If none of these work out, I’m absolutely going on hiatus… I have to.

Not A Keeper

Not a keeper.

That’s who I am.

I should really be used to it by now.

I’m not.

Want a girl to have a good time with? Want a girl who can hold her own at the bar? Want a girl that isn’t afraid to do something totally crazy?  Want a girl to have a few weeks of crazy sex with??

I’m the girl for all of that.

Want a girl to be your girlfriend?  Want a girl to take home and meet your mother?

I’m apparently not the girl for that.

I hope you’ll forgive me for all of the whining I’m doing here… I do have friends, believe it or not.

But, I’m a suicide survivor, and they get all freaked when they think I’m down.  I don’t want to freak them out.

I need to vent.

“You’re not picking the right guys” is what I hear.   How in the fuck do you know who is the right guy?  Where in the fuck is he hiding?  Is it just not in the cards for me?

I hate all of these feelings of inadequacy… not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not successful enough… where does it end?  When will I ever feel good enough?

I don’t see it happening any time soon….

But, hey, I’m not lying in the bathtub with a blade to my wrists, so I’m not doing too bad.

Cyber-Slap Me

Well, tonight I meet Facebook Guy (FG) I’m excited, but I’m not getting my hopes up, because I REFUSE to ever do that again… so if you notice that I’m getting my hopes up, give me a cyber-slap to the back of the head… PLEASE.

Last night during our non-stop textathon that has lasted 2 days, FG told me that he was poor.  He doesn’t have cable (no biggie, there’s never anything on it anyway) or a sofa.

Since I have a friend in the cyber-world that also doesn’t have a sofa, I hesitate to make any judgment regarding this.

Do I expect a man to take care of me? NO.  I’m a big girl; I can take care of myself.

Would I like a man to, EVENTUALLY, split bills with? HELL YES.

I once went out with a well-to-do older guy who said “I’d like to take care of you”.  It totally freaked me out and I went running for the hills.

Yea, I know, I have issues.  Speaking of issues, Boom and I were discussing the joys of not working last week, and I said that it was impossible for me not to work, being single and all.  He said unless I had a disability or something.

I said “Well I do have issues.”

He laughed and said “Uuuummm, I know, remember, we’ve met.”  HAHA

And the way we met only reinforces the severity of my issues.

 

Two years ago, I moved to my current city, at the same time I was getting sick with my autoimmune disease and I started dating this guy with the best smile I’ve ever seen in my ENTIRE life.  At the time I was in to bicycling, he was too, we got along really well.

Then I got sicker.

And I do what I do, I faded out.

We continued to stay in touch.  I once suggested that we try to date again but he admitted that he was “once bit, twice shy” and I really can’t blame him.  So I took it on the chin and we’ve remained friends.

He works a ridiculously fucked up swing-shift kinda schedule, which he says is making him hesitate to even get in a relationship.

So last night, we were texting, like we do almost every night and he says “Nothing easy in my life” (semi in jest) and I say “I’m the girl that you won’t date, you don’t have to tell me”.  He responds with “Ouch… a shot fired”. I apologized, it was late and I haven’t slept in days.

Then he says “It’s ok, you can speak what’s on your mind.  Perhaps we should have drinks and talk more about this.”  I said that I’d like that.  And I really would.

Is he softening? I don’t know.

Would I pick back up with him? Yes, in a heartbeat.

I realize that I fucked it up with him, I was sick and didn’t know how things were going to go, I didn’t want to drag anyone down with me… in retrospect, I know that I should have let him make that decision… but I thought I was doing what was best.  And really, what the fuck do I know anyway???

Tomorrow I’m going to a Reds game with my family and a BFF… 2 family weekends in a row… so bizarre!!!

OH AND… I have my first wedding scheduled for May, 2014!!

Have a great weekend peeps and fellow crazy girls!!!!

It Was Okay…

Here is the recap of the date last night…

 

I met him in front of the hotel that the 360 Restaurant sits atop of.  He was cuter than his photos, always a plus!

We did the obligatory hug, then wandered around the lobby a little bit until we figured out (after he asked, bonus points) where to go.

 

When we reached the restaurant the view was amazing!!  I’m all about a good view.

 

They sat us at a booth where we sat next to each other, which wasn’t uncomfortable.

 

We chatted easily as we perused the menu… I ordered chicken carbonara with no bacon (which always elicits shock and concern from men… it’s because of my chemo meds fyi) and he ordered a ginormous steak.

 

I’ll flash back a moment to a date where another guy ordered a ginormous steak… this guy was STARVING, I mean like Ethiopian starving, so I didn’t judge.  He got the steak and ate EVERY SINGLE BITE.  Still I didn’t judge.  He paid the bill and said he had to go to the restroom before we left. No problem.

He was gone FOREVER.  After about 15 minutes, I figured I had been ditched, but was thankful that he had been gentleman enough to pay the bill before he bailed on me.

 

I texted him “Ummmm did you ditch me?”

He texted back “Sorry, I’m still in the bathroom.”

 

Uh oh.

 

He finally came back, we left, and he had to get batteries for his camera before I took him to our next destination (a cemetery at 11p… if you’re wondering, no I never saw him again).  He was in the Walmart FOREVER… he texted me saying he was in the bathroom AGAIN.  I really felt sorry for him at that point.

 

We finally made it to the cemetery, I got some kick-ass photos and he only seemed to be a little weirded out… and like I said, of course, I never saw him again, which probably had more to do with the cemetery visit than his bathroom embarrassment…

 

So, back to last night…

 

I was a little nervous about his huge steak, but he ate it all and didn’t have to remove himself to the restroom for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

 

We talked, laughed, he didn’t do anything gross with his food, he didn’t wear too much cologne; he didn’t ask if he could nail me in the car… all in all it was a successful date for me.

 

We hugged again in the parking lot; he said he wanted to do it again.  Which is neither here nor there, I’ve heard that before (hell, I’ve said that before) and never saw the guy again.

 

He didn’t attempt to kiss me, which could be fine or it could be problematic and he didn’t tell me that I was pretty.  I don’t know if that means anything or not, but it was a little disappointing.

 

He did text me when he got home to tell me he had a good time and that he hoped I did too…

 

My date look:

Ministering to the Godless…

Well… Irish guy wanted me to come to his place tonight, because he has his daughter… I had to pass on that.  I try to always do first meets in public, so we are rescheduling for next Saturday unless I can’t resist any longer.

My date tomorrow night is taking me to the 360 Restaurant (http://www.threesixtydining.com/) the revolving restaurant that I’ve NEVER been to! I asked if he cared if I brought a camera, he is totally cool with it.

Friday night, I am participating in my first wedding.  I am an ordained minister, but have yet to perform a wedding.  My friend, BE, is also a minister and has started “Godless Weddings”.  I am going to watch him perform a ceremony at EdenPark, so I can get a handle on how things work.  I told him I’d also bring my camera, to which he replied “I was hoping that you would”.  So I will be the witness and the photographer.

BE is atheist and I’m agnostic, so this little endeavor makes sense, I’m excited about it… love doing something new.

When my fellow crazy girls out there start getting married… lemme know!!! We will perform a kick-ass ceremony!!!

Let me perform your wedding!!!