Can I Borrow Your Neuralyzer??

Friday night I was supposed to go out with BD…

BD, a lothario from my recent past.  If I believed in a god, I would tell you that god had blessed him immensely, we always have a good time, we have HOT sex and I genuinely like him.  Over the period of time that we’ve seen each other, he said he didn’t think he was ready for a “relationship”, which I interpreted as meaning that he just didn’t want to be in a relationship with ME.  Which didn’t surprise me, because, who does want to be with me??

Right? Only my cat and I really question her judgment.  She obviously makes bad decisions or she wouldn’t have ended up out on the streets in the first place.

But now…. BD tells me that I am the only girl he talks to and the he really wants to have a “relationship” with me.  That statement has progressed from “I want to try to give you what you need” to “I want a relationship with you”.

Friday night, however, didn’t happen.  He has a new job and has been working ridiculous hours and didn’t get off until late.  He still wanted to get together, but I offered a raincheck.  We decided we would have lunch on Sunday.

I ended up in the ER Sunday morning.

F M L.

He has continually checked on me…  I really want to see him.  But, not just for the sex that I sooooooooo badly need.  I want to kiss his dimples.  Is that fucked up? That is NOT me.  Maybe I had a stroke and I just don’t know it yet.

So that scares me… when I get scared, I end up running for the hills, screaming like a banshee, pulling my hair out and generally avoiding eye liner… all things bad for me and ridiculously unseductive.

I’m trying to be brave and I AM going to see him.

Someone that I love and respect madly told me that if I don’t at least try, he will be pissed at me… so, MG, I will try… I promise.

So, Friday night, I just hung around in my pjs, watched a few episodes of “The Dead Files” and felt kinda crappy, which came to an unexpected head Sunday morning.

Anyway, I get a text message from my EX sister-in-law that I’ve only spoken to a handful of times over the last 4 years.

I don’t dislike her, she and I always got along pretty well… but, with divorce and distance, those relationships fall to the wayside.  It’s ok.

The messages started out innocuously “Hey, how are you.”

Then progressed to “I wanted to talk to you about relationships”.

SAY WHAT?

I replied with “I’m not sure I’m the best person to discuss relationships with, you were witness to what a spectacular disaster my marriage was.”

But, just like every other person that wants to tell me things about their life that I don’t want to know, she is undeterred.

Her marriage is miserable, he ignores her, and she tries to think of excuses not to go home…

I suggest talking, counseling, trying to reconnect, etc…

Then she drops the mutherfucking atom bomb.

“There’s something else.”

“Okay.”

“I’m having an affair.”

Well slap my ass and call me Fanny… why in the holy hell would she feel compelled to tell me that?  That is the LAST thing that I wanted to know.

I AM THE GIRL THAT WAS CHEATED ON IN MY MARRIAGE.

I hate to judge people, I REALLY do and I try so goddamn hard not to… but sonofabitch!

THEN, she tells me who she’s fucking around with.  Thank the universe I don’t know him.

Did she want me to tell her that I think it’s ok?  I will not.  If you’re done with someone, grow some balls and end it… don’t be a fucking coward and sneak around like some common tramp.

I said that it is up to us to find our own happiness, but we shouldn’t destroy others in the process.  And in what reality am I the voice of reason??  I’m the screw-up, I’m the mess, I’m the fucking disaster on wheels….

AND… once you know something you can’t UN-know it.

Sonofa…

Now, fever, please vanquish ASAP!!

I’ve Discovered My Price…

Early this morning I received and email from The Boy That Broke My Heart (TBTBMH).  It was just a link to a song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuzDghzyVjk.

Nothing else, no other words, just the link.

I cried, I listened to it a couple of times, then went back to sleep.

What is this? Sincerity? An apology? A mind fuck?

I sent a very brief reply.  I cannot pursue him… but truth be told I want him, I want him back, I want him back right fucking now.

I honestly don’t know which of us is more fucked up… he is distant and introverted, I am obsessive and extroverted.

But, I swear, the way I felt when I was with him made it all worth it.

What do I do now?

FIRST, stop obsessing… HA!  I am not going to contact him; the ball is completely in his court.

DON’T LET ME CONTACT HIM.

SECOND, I’m not getting my hopes up.  He could have been having a moment.

THIRD, I’m taking a dating break.  Not because of TBTBMH, but because the more I date, the more I think that I’m dead inside… and I don’t want to feel that way.

Saturday, I drove over 200 miles for some photographic opportunities that were promised me by a man that I know.

TWO HUNDRED FUCKING MILES.

And guess what??  He did not deliver.  BUT, wanted me to spend the night…

I was mad and went home, even though I had enough driving to do me for the weekend.

Speaking of photography, I’ve sold a couple of prints and am booking a senior portrait photo session…

AND I’ve been offered some ridiculous money to shoot an… ummmm… well… an orgy.

I’m a single girl and I could seriously use the $$.  I know the couple that has initiated this, I know the things that they are into but I’m not completely sure that I know what I could be getting myself into.  If nothing else, it could make for a crazy interesting blog post, right???

And, apparently, I can be bought!!  Or rented anyway.

The Miserable Case of the Bipolar Bear

Guys who call themselves HOTT.

In my opinion they fall into one of two categories.

1. NOT HOtt at all.
2. Looks good on the outside, but , in actuality, a total sack of shit.

Guys that look good and call themselves HOTT are like an éclair… Looks so delicious until you bite into it and it’s filled with gag inducing cream.

I turned a guy down last night… a guy who was only too happy to talk about his career as an attorney, his “lifestyle” that I’d LOVE and the fact that he was too HOTT to be on a dating site.

First of all… HE WAS NOT HOTT… Not even a little bit… and he was a smarmy, creepy, douchey, asshat.

After I bid him goodbye, he sent me over 50 text messages… that ran the gamut between begging me to come back, telling me that I’m ugly, to saying that he was calling an Asian hooker and he was going to send me video of their activities (this was the point when I blocked him, thank you iOS 7).

Here’s an example of a text:

This was followed by texts stating that my tattoos were ugly, followed by pleading to come “snuggle” with him…

This guy was not only a fuckweasel, but also a bipolar bear…

I’M SO DONE…

I’m Charging Your HMO

Why are my feelings hurt because I feel rejected by someone that I didn’t even want in the first place??

How fucked up is that?

I met the doctor the other day, we went for a walk in the park, I took photos and he basically told me his entire life story… well, minus the part that occurred before middle school.

So the entire time, I’m doing the math in my head.

Cute +1

Employed +1

4 Kids -4

Needs therapy -1

Can’t picture myself doing the boom-boom -10

TOTAL -13

After that meeting I only heard from him one time.  But we had a fun texting relationship prior to meeting.

Once I got back to work today and had time to think about it, I felt that pang of rejection in my tummy… that feeling that I’ll never be good enough, that no one will ever want me, yada yada yada…

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

So, I texted him this morning about something we had discussed and asked if he didn’t want me to contact him again.  He says he does want to but he didn’t know how to “approach” it.

I responded with “I could tell there wasn’t any chemistry; I know that I’m not for everyone.”

He told me that I was cute, funny but that he was looking to feel a “tingle”.  So he obviously couldn’t picture himself doing the boom-boom with me. For the record, I’m damn good at the boom-boom!

Do I want to be wanted just for the sake of being wanted??  What kind of mental disorder is that?  I’m not a narcissist or an egomaniac; I’m actually pretty damn self-deprecating.

I met one other guy at a coffee shop during my days off… who also told me his entire life story, including, but not limited to, his totally insane ex.

Fuck me.

I stayed longer than I wanted to, only because he drove 90 minutes to see me, even after I tried really hard to discourage him.

Before I left, I took his hand in mine and said “Let me give you a little advice, the next time you meet a girl, do not tell her all about your ex in the first hour, ease her into it, if you must.  It’s really overwhelming.”

Then I departed, but not before finding a Nazi knife in the coffee shop parking lot.

I told a friend that I felt like a therapist and I was going to start charging their insurance for the visits.  This friend is a friend that I spoon with on occasion.  He said “Did you tell them you already have a client in Fairfield?”

That’s me, therapist to every man that doesn’t want me…

I actually have come up with the term that describes one off the afflictions that I’m saddled with… PTDS.  You might say “Don’t you mean PTSD?”

NO, it’s PTDS, post traumatic dating syndrome… it’s a thing.

Abhorrent Attraction

I told you recently that I had rejoined the online dating world. At this point, I am not completely sure why.  I am chatting with a couple of guys, one seems WAY TOO EAGER to meet me, I’m not sure how to deal with this.  Am I just what he’s been looking for? OR… is he fucking crazy?  It’s impossible to know until you’ve met.  Am I going to meet him?  I’m not sure yet.

Last night, I get this message:

 Grandpa Sid wants me to sit on his lap…Shivers…

One of my friends (you know who you are) got WAAAAYYYY too much enjoyment out of this.

If you look closely at the photo, Grandpa Sid appears to have a hard-on… I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

I also get this totally romantic message, from a child:

 I will never understand this methodology, maybe I’m just a prude??

Apparently my phone is feeling my pain, understanding my desire to get laid.  When updating my Facebook status using talk-to-text it mis-interpreted “bracken county”. Glad I checked it before I posted, my family would have really been impressed!!!

If I’m going to be honest, I am perpetually in “fucking horny”, no trip necessary!!

AND lastly, yesterday I went on a Scott Kelby Worldwide Photo Walk.  There was not one single guy in the group… Traditional dating, my fucking ass… I can NEVER meet anyone.

Anyway, here’s a post from the walk…http://reflectionsuponmyreality2.wordpress.com/2013/10/06/100-strangers-project-continued/

Spreadsheet Dating…

There are 4 men on my radar now.

I know, it’s either feast or famine.

So I think, to help prevent myself from making more bad decisions, I’m going to make a spreadsheet.  Maybe assign a point system and see how things add up.

Here is the list and a short back story for each.

#1

I dated him for a couple of months 2 years ago, at the same time that I was getting sick.

I faded out because I didn’t think that it was fair to him to get involved with someone who was sick, especially since we didn’t know what the outcome would be.

We have continued to stay in touch, we get along great.

When I mentioned us trying to date again months ago, he was hesitant because of my previous fade out… totally understandable.

But last week he says that we need to get together and talk about it, hopefully that will happen tonight.  He works a crazy swing shift schedule, which really isn’t all that awful for me, because I like my alone time (curse of the only child).

AND I will be riding to Jersey with him next week to pick up his new motorcycle… ROAD TRIP!!

 

#2

We have randomly hooked up and went out over the last 2 years.

He was what I’d call relationship-phobic and I knew that going in, so we’ve had fun together when I haven’t been seeing someone and/or have time.

He recently told me that he’d like to try to give me what I want relationship-wise.

He’s funny, charming, has dimples and works A LOT.

Depending on his work, he wants to go out Saturday night.

 

#3

“Met” on OKC, have been chatting for a few weeks.

He’s a doctor.  I don’t usually care for doctors, I’ve dated a few and just never vibed with them, maybe because I’m a nurse and I know them from another perspective, I don’t know.

But I chatted with him for a while before he even told me, so he’s not all “I’m a doctor, you should fuck me” kinda dude.

He’s wicked cute.

We have talked about meeting, and he tells me he likes my “look”… so we shall see.

 

#4

“Met” on OKC, been chatting over a week or so.

He’s a dealer at a casino, works crazy hours.

He’s a romantic and we have a lot of things in common… he’s definitely interested.  We have talked about meeting, but haven’t set anything up.  With my schedule it will be a couple of weeks probably.  We will see if we both remain interested.

 

I just want to get off of the merry-go-round.  If none of these work out, I’m absolutely going on hiatus… I have to.

Mirror, Mirror…

“You are extremely sexy- it’s your superpower – use it for good.”

This from a man that I had a fling with about a year ago, a sexy older man… who was going through a divorce… we were so not in the same place.  But, it was ok; it was really what we both needed at the time, neither of us had any delusions that it was more than it was.

He reached out to me after reading some of my stuff…

Wouldn’t it be nice to see yourself through the eyes of someone else??  Obviously, not someone that hates you or thinks that you’re a fuckweasel, but someone who thinks good things about you.

I’d like to look in the mirror and not see ugly and lame… I’d love to see the funny, artsy chick that some people think I am… I’d love to see sexy or, just for a minute, beautiful.

Who are the people that can see themselves for what they truly are?  Do these people even exist (that aren’t raging narcissists)?

I tried for a while, to enumerate some things that I didn’t think were bad about myself, tell myself every morning that I’m good enough, that I’m worthy…

It was an exercise in futility.

I’m thinking about getting hypnotized…  it’s worth a shot, right?????

I fear that if I used sexiness as a superpower, I’d just destroy cities and shit… I mean, how could I resist???

Not A Keeper

Not a keeper.

That’s who I am.

I should really be used to it by now.

I’m not.

Want a girl to have a good time with? Want a girl who can hold her own at the bar? Want a girl that isn’t afraid to do something totally crazy?  Want a girl to have a few weeks of crazy sex with??

I’m the girl for all of that.

Want a girl to be your girlfriend?  Want a girl to take home and meet your mother?

I’m apparently not the girl for that.

I hope you’ll forgive me for all of the whining I’m doing here… I do have friends, believe it or not.

But, I’m a suicide survivor, and they get all freaked when they think I’m down.  I don’t want to freak them out.

I need to vent.

“You’re not picking the right guys” is what I hear.   How in the fuck do you know who is the right guy?  Where in the fuck is he hiding?  Is it just not in the cards for me?

I hate all of these feelings of inadequacy… not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not successful enough… where does it end?  When will I ever feel good enough?

I don’t see it happening any time soon….

But, hey, I’m not lying in the bathtub with a blade to my wrists, so I’m not doing too bad.

Submission Saturday

I continue to be surprised by the sheer volume of submissive dudes there are out there.
This is just one of MANY similar messages I’ve received. At first, I thought I was some kind of weird sub magnet… But now I know better.
The first time a guy said “You might think this is unusual but my fantasy is to have a girl use a strap-on on me.”
After hearing it multiple times, I no longer think it’s unusual, it’s common.
The world definitely looks differently than it did before my re-entry into the dating world.

Thanks A Lot Universe

I think that the universe was fucking with me.

Something transpired with FG and a text message that I received that wasn’t meant for me.  One of my BFFs was also creeping on his Facebook and many of his posts seem angry.  I’m not a person that can deal with that and she knows it.  She texted me and asked if I had read his FB posts, I hadn’t (I’d make a terrible stalker), so I did.  The posts made me uncomfortable.

So, since I felt so hinky, I texted him and cancelled, I said that maybe we could reschedule for tomorrow, mainly to see what his response would be.  All that he replied was “yup”.

I think I’ll just drink wine and take antihistamines tonight.